I miss so much. I miss coming downstairs to see her eating cold McDonald's cheeseburgers. I miss playing the piano with her, or even just listening. I miss working on the dollhouse. I miss making ice cream in a coffee can on the porch. I miss watering the flowers. I miss playing cards with her. I miss making apple betty with her, and I can never get it to taste the same. I miss decorating the Christmas tree, and setting up the village. I miss looking through catalogs. I miss her putting my hair up in rags, to make it as curly. I miss helping her set her curlers. I miss watching the news with her. I miss her singing, though she couldn't hear herself. I miss stealing the comics out of her newspaper. I miss the bleeding heart bush, and the fairy stories she told. I miss sleeping in her bed, and the bedtime stories she would tell. I miss how she complained about the puppies. I miss how much she loved Sassy. I miss how she was beginning to hear. I miss everything. I feel like I'm forgetting, and I don't want to forget. I'm crying, and for the first time in awhile, I'm going to let myself cry over how much I miss her.

Three years ago today began the worst week of my life. I was pulled out of school and escorted home by the police officer. I had no idea what was going on, the officer would not tell me. I arrived at my house to see dozens of people standing outside... My brain could still not process. I saw my dad, and I knew. We cried and cried and cried. I remember my dad sobbing as he asked if I knew what had happened, through my tears I said I said no... At that point, I couldn't fathom what the cause was, but I didn't want to hear it. A family friend took me to my mom's house, where I could see my mom and sister, who brought me back to the house - and stayed with us there. The pain was excruciating. The unbelievable loss. No one had seen it coming. How could we? My grandmother was gone, and no one could have predicted it. The week was a haze and felt like it would never end - family, friends, food, the funeral home, the cemetery, more people, more food. There was a non-stop flow of people through the door. There was no quiet time to process what had happened. Jon - he was my rock through all of this, for me and my dad.

My grandma is my angel. I am not a religious person. I don't believe in the religion I grew up being told to believe, but I don't not believe.  I pray everyday that there be a heaven, if only for my grandmother. I picture her sitting with her husband that she lost more than 30 years before she went to join him, wherever that may be. I hope that she is happy. Every time I make a decision, I wonder what she would think of me now. Before she died, I was supposed to be headed for college, then med school. What would she have thought of my decision to stay in DuBois? My decision to major in IST? I missed her at so much - my high school graduation, my first college graduation, my engagement, and then my wedding... I've worn the pearls she got me for my 16th birthday through out every major event, because it makes her feel closer to me. I hope somewhere, she's looking down on me, and she's proud of the person I've become.

13 days have passed since I made the biggest change in my life: marriage. I have only begun to realize the life that Jonathon and I have made over the last four years that we've known each other. We've grown up. Thankfully, we grew together. I married my best friend - it's been the best decision I've ever made.


There were three types of people I encountered over the time that Jonathon and I were engaged and planning our wedding. 

1. "You're too young."
2. (whispers) "I bet she's pregnant..."
3. "It'll be like nothing has changed."

For everyone that says that we are too young to be married - you're wrong. I've known I loved Jonathon from the day I met him.  I first said "I love you" to him when I was sixteen and sipping on wine I was not supposed to be drinking.  I fell for him over nights texting about music, life, school, friends.  We spent our nights playing games or driving around town. He accepted every flaw I knew I had, and even the ones I didn't know about. I thought he was perfect. I still do, to this day. I strongly believe that 20, 50, however many years down the road, I still will. Even if for some reason, we do end up getting a divorce - god forbid - that's our mistake to make. 

For those who though I was pregnant - you're wrong. It was not a shot-gun wedding, planning began in March. I am not pregnant, nor do we intend to have children anytime soon. A few years from now, maybe. Now? We're being us. I'm in school, busy with work and life. Jonathon is working on the road and we cherish every minute we get to be together when he is home.  We are not ready to be parents - and we know it. We want to be selfish for a little while.  We're allowed. We love our fur child and she is all we need right now! 

For those who said it will be like nothing has changed - you're right. Jonathon and I moved into our own apartment in June, four months before the wedding. We still wake up every morning and go about our routines the same as we did during those months. We spend every minute we can together - something that hasn't changed since we got married. He plays video games, and I work on homework. We make dinner or go out to eat, and we talk about our days. We bicker over whose turn it is to take out the dog, and try to remember who gave her today's medicine. He leaves wet towels on the floor and the seat up, I hate doing dishes and put them off as long as I can. It's still the same.

There are those times we're like "Hey your my husband/wife."  We play with each other's rings on our fingers.  We laugh about what a great time we had at our wedding, reception, and on our unorthodox honeymoon.  We constantly remind each other not to say boyfriend/girlfriend or fiance, but we still do sometimes. Jonathon just started actually calling me his fiance, and now he has to remember I'm his wife! 

We're us and we're perfect. 

We have this wonderful little family, in this wonderful little apartment, in this usually wonderful little town. 

I would not have it any other way. 

Photos by Amanda Whitaker Photography. 

She's a wonderful photographer & you should check her out!